Feeling fine? You obviously need medication
LINWOOD BARCLAY
The makers of Normallix would like you to take a moment and do the following quiz. It could change your life:
1. Do you find that some days you want to lie in bed, and other days you get up feeling refreshed and can't wait to start the day?
2. Have you ever, after working a gruelling eight or nine hours at your place of employment, come home feeling exhausted?
3. Do you find that you go to the bathroom, and then, several hours later, have to go again?
4. When you are lost in the middle of the woods and are being chased by a large bear, do you feel overwhelmed by anxiety?
5. Do you ever keep reading the newspaper, even when your spouse is talking to you, and then have to ask: "What did you say?"
If you answered yes to any of these questions, maybe you need to speak to your doctor about Normallix, the new prescription medication for people who don't have anything particularly wrong with them.
Do you see your friends taking medication every day to combat heartburn?
Are more and more of your adult friends taking drugs because they find it hard to pay attention for sustained periods?
Is just about everyone you know taking something to level out his or her moods?
Are you tired of the guy in the next cubicle bragging about what he was able to do the night before after taking one of those little blue pills?
And don't you feel left out that you're not on a prescription?
That's why there's Normallix.
Just because you're not showing any signs of acid reflux disease, erectile dysfunction, attention deficit disorder, mood swings and anxiety, or even hair loss, is no reason that you shouldn't be on something.
Normallix is designed with you in mind.
Just one Normallix a day will keep your life exactly the way it is now and, once you've been on it for two or more weeks, you'll be convinced that if you stop, all hell will break loose.
Normallix, of course, is not for everyone.
You should not take Normallix if you raise elephants in your backyard, have large green scales on more than 90 per cent of your body, sneeze from any orifice other than your nose, wish that someone would make a movie of the life of John Manley, or have ratatouille more than three times a day.
There are some side effects. When you are prescribed Normallix, the share price of the drug conglomerate that produces Normallix may go up, and dividends to shareholders may increase, which means they will be able to buy more things, which is good for the economy.
As well, the chief executives of the company that makes Normallix will receive huge bonuses, and maybe even have a little money left over to develop other new pharmaceutical products that, 10 years ago, no one even knew we needed.
And, finally, Normallix may cause diarrhea, abdominal cramps and constipation, but then, really, what doesn't?
Your drug plan may not yet cover Normallix, but that's no reason not to get it.
Your drug plan doesn't cover food, either, but you buy that, don't you?
Should you subsequently determine, through the guidance of your personal physician, that you need a prescription for one of the other conditions described above, you can still take Normallix.
Normallix has been developed not to interact with other medications. That's because, to the best of our knowledge, it has no active ingredients.
That's what makes it one of the safest medications available today.
So, if you've been feeling left out of the pharmaceutical revolution, consider Normallix.
Just one a day, although, if you feel like it, you can take more.
Linwood Barclay's column appears Monday, Friday and Saturday. E-mail him at
lbarclay@thestar.ca
Additional articles by Linwood Barclay
Here's a link for info on psychiatry
posted by Jane @ 3:25 PM
